Choices often lack something

I can continue taking these mouthfuls of toxic substances, pretending that they are doing something for me. Well, perhaps they are. I imagine that if I were not taking them, I would have already done something to put myself out of my misery long ago. But I take these capsules and tablets and concoctions and cocktails of drugs in the hopes that I can find a "cure" for my state of mind. Yet, I cannot find one. Week after week I go to face a therapist, to try and make her understand the dark thoughts that parade through my mind moment after moment, so quickly that even I cannot grasp hold of them even if I were to try.

Then I am given the suggestion that perhaps I should try electroconvulsive therapy as if that is now the magic potion with all the answers to my nightmares and dilemmas.















I don't see how attaching electrodes to my body, forcing me into a seizure, raising my blood pressure and heart rate, and over working my lungs will make me feel better. Especially considering how people have reported memory loss after these ECT "treatments".

But I'm at the end of my rope.

What else is left to consider?

They can't very well cut out a portion of my brain and just pretend the last half of my life never happened, can they?

My boyfriend saw this blog and is already up in arms, wanting to drag me off to the mental ward against my will. I refuse to be taken against my will. I do not want to be committed, or become a ward of the state. I've had enough trauma in my life. If I have to have control over anything in my life, let me retain control over what little mental stability there is left in my life. Let me drink my pills, drown myself in my chemical cocktail, and try to plaster on the fake face that says "I'm perfectly fine, no, you don't have to worry about me - don't trouble yourself" to the rest of the world.

I know they don't bloody care anyway. That's been made obvious each time I'm told to "just smile" or "cheer up" by some asshole who thinks they understand what they're talking about.

Again I wonder if perhaps it really would be best if I just had someone drive me down to Mayo and drop me off for mental evaluation. It's only a few days until my pulmonary evaluation, I only have to make it that long.

Just that long.