Something takes a part of me...

Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.
Life's got to always be messing with me.
Can't they chill and let me be free?
Can't I take away all this pain?

--KoRn, Freak on a Leash

I wonder at times what all of this is about. And by "this", I mean life in general. Why do we suffer through all that we do, only to stumble, broken, at death's doorstep at the end of the road? Is there a higher purpose? Is there a goal? Did I go through the last decade of my life weeping and hopeless only to face another seemingly endless eternity of the same due to a switch not being in the "on" position in my brain? Was it by design? Or mere chance?

My belief in God holds fast, but I get angry. Why does this happen to me? Why the suffering? Why the deaths? Why the illnesses? Again I look for a higher purpose. Am I being prepared for something that is to come? Something worse than what I've already seen, or something better?

Endless questions. More than I can ever think to put to words. They flit to and fro in my mind, a bare whisper over my subconscious thoughts. I hear them, become frustrated that I can't answer them.

Where do I belong in the grand scheme of things?

Does it really matter, anyway?

I take my medication, turn out the lights, cry myself to sleep, and the pain of it all washes the thoughts from my mind in a numbing mix of blocked out dreams and lost desires.